finding a reason to breathe

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly



problems, hardships and sufferings are part of life, and yes they are experienced by everybody.
every human soul in this world knows what pain and suffering is.
but sometimes knowing that everybody feels pain and suffering the way you do is not enough for you to stand up and say to yourself that "you can do this"
sometimes knowing that der are other people who has/have experienced more painful things than what you have experienced is still not enough for you to endure the pain

there are just moments in your life that you feel; that i feel that things are ain't right. that there is something wrong. that there is something missing. right now, i can say that my major problems are my studies but somehow, deep inside i know that there is something more. i just still don't know what it is. all i know is that i am disturbed by it.

i can't find a reason to live and believe in my dreams. i can't find a reason to tell myself that i need to wake up and live my life and do the best i can to grab my dreams. i feel useless. i feel that things are becoming senseless. i am starting to feel that life is meaningless. that life is unfair. that there is no joy in living.

I keep saying to myself that "Sarah you can do this, theres nothing bothering you. All you have to do is trust in the Lord and everything will be okay" but still no use. i still find myself staring in empty spaces and thinking. thinking of nothing. sometimes thinking of ending my life.

when i think back, it always leads me to the moment when i started to realize/feel that there is no more use of studying. Right, this "thing" started when i just felt not to study anymore. at that moment i was studying for my 3rd exam in bio 102 and then all of a sudden i just didn't feel like studying anymore and then for hours and hours and hours i just kept staring at my kent and carr book like i was waiting for the book to slap me and wake me up to my senses. since then everything got gloomy. everything fell apart. the funny thing is, i am not doing anything to stop it.

yeah, it scares me. it scares a hell out of me because right now i feel like i can be impulsive like i could just grab a knife and end all this crap. or maybe i could just get a plate and throw it into my sister or to my brother's face or to anyone i will see. it scares me because i feel that if i won't do anything; i will regret it for the rest of my life.

i really need to find a reason. no. i need to find the reason for me to live. for me to exist.