when conscience comes to a halt

my dad once told me that i should fear more if i come to a point that i feel that nothing scares me at all.. because at that point it is either i am really not that scared or i am just a self centered person who thinks i can do anything.

when i was in high school i played the piano like there is no tomorrow, i can even finish an entire classical book in just one sitting. i love piano so much.. i love it so much that right now i still can't believe i gave it up.. i love piano because i believe that it is one thing i am most good at, well yes i am good in academics, violin and other stuff but piano is different among them it is like playing piano is the only natural thing for me. Also, i love piano because that is the only thing or the only medium that connects me better or closer to God...

Every time I play the piano it is as if I can feel God's presence around me..
i feel safe, i feel secured, happy, peaceful and calm. it is as if i drift away in the sound, in my music and in the air...

i feel relaxed, i express every emotion that i have and feel and just after that i feel so good and it is as if it is a new day again..

so when i left my home and went to the dormitory.. every thing change.. my daily routine of playing the piano is gone.... though i pray hardly than before i just suddenly noticed, that my life is changing; i become very far from God, and somehow, sometimes i feel i am lost, like there is no light, like i can't see the path anymore and sometimes, though i say i want to be a doctor someday, sometimes i just can't see the future anymore.. it is like i am just walking in the dark, with no where to go..

i am changing..
my morals, my values, my principles change and sometimes, most of the times i hate it.

i hate it because i know that it is not what i want, because i know to my self that those actions and principles that i have are not right... i know that i just have them because they are the most convenient way for my life...

the morals and principles that i have right now is the most convenient way so that i can adjust for my college life, for UP.. and i hate it..

because i feel that right now, i am choosing UP, my dreams, and my college life over God, right now i feel that i am sacrificing all of my religious beliefs and morals so that i can do better in UP, so that i can study more, and so that i can achieve my blurry dreams or whatever it is...

and i hate it.

and i hate it the most because the only thing i can do is to hate it, nothing more nothing less. i want to change myself and get myself back to what i am before but i just can't and that sucks.

and the worse is, though I feel that i am already far from God and i am in the wrong direction, I can't feel any fear in my mids.

and that actually starts to scare me.

because right now, at this moment.. i feel that i am worse than just a self centered person, i feel like i am an evil person who only thinks about herself.

and i just hate myself.

p.s.

it is not about the piano
or myself being away from playing the piano
it is about me, because i can't be faithful enough
my faith is isn't enough to move mountains or even
fight the temptations....